Friends Down: The Ultimate Alternate Universe
by Shasa Perino
Summary: What is the total opposite of canon? This! Read to see a truly bizarre story. And, no, I did not have caffiene or any form of sugar before I wrote this. Amazing...


Friends Down: The Ultimate Alternate Universe 

**Shasa Perino**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any characters you recognize. They belong to JK Rowling. Also, I copied one line for the Divination class. Just clearing that up.

**A/N:** Please note that this is a result of many things, including: extreme hyperness, lack of sleep, lack of anything to do in access period (somewhat like study hall, and, of course, the fact that I w as in school and couldn't access fanfiction.net. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

As always, remember that this is an _alternate universe_ fic. So don't flame me about it! It's supposed to be funny!

Also, the last part was written at home and probably isn't as crazy as the first part. And, I also had to battle my kitten for the keyboard, so I'm in a kind of foul mood so I don't know what will happen. Mwahahaha!

Harry Potter, a Slytherin Sixth year, walked down to his common room on the first day of classes. There, he met his two best friends, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley.

Ron Weasley was very short for his age, at only fife feet tall. He had hair that was the dullest shade of brown imaginable. His family was very rich, and he was proud to say that both of his parents were former death eaters. His nickname was "The Weasel" because he could weasel his way out of almost anything, especially in his favorite class, Potions.

Harry Potter was just an ordinary wizard. He had straight black hair and brown eyes. He also had a scar on his forehead in the shape of a star. It was from where the most evil sorcerer in the world, Lord Pimplywimply, had tried to kill him when he was only a baby. But no one noticed him.

Hermione Granger was still a second year student; she had been held back for four consecutive years. She had sleek black hair and green eyes. She was stunningly beautiful. Of course, what she lacked for in brains, she made up for with quidditch talent. She was easily the best seeker Hogwarts had ever seen. She even gave Viktor Krum, the most successful seeker of all time, a run for his money. Since she was in a different year, she didn't have the same classes as the others. One friend down…

These three friends also had another best friend. His name was Draco Malfoy. Draco was not only a Gryffindor slimeball, but he was also a Mudblood. The only reason the trio put up with him was because he was fairly kind to them. Draco Malfoy's name has been known worldwide ever since he defeated Lord Pimplywimply in his first year.

Little did these three know, they were going to have a very interesting and odd day…

~

Everyone's first class was double Potions: Slytherins and Gryffindors.

"Ah, here we are. My first vict – students," Sissy Snape, the Potions Master, said. He had spiked up black hair and a very squeaky voice. "Today we will be making a sleeping potion. It is so powerful it is often called the Draught of the Living Death. You will each test your own potion at the end of class. Good luck."

Harry and Ron made their potions flawlessly. Potions was Draco's worst subject, so he asked Gryffindor Neville Shortbottom for help. This was probably a bad decision, since both of them were lying asleep in the hospital wing by the end of class. Two friends down…

~

Harry and Ron's last class of the day was double Divination. They had this class with only the other sixth year Slytherins. These were two girls: Poodle Patil and Orange Brown. They were very stuck up and Divination was their favorite subject. They, according to Professor Treelawns, were truly gifted in the art of Seeing.

There was one oblong table in the center of the room. All of the other tables had been pushed to the side. Four poufs and one armchair were sitting around the table. Professor Treelawns, a very old and wrinkled witch who wore sweatpants and sweatshirts instead of robes, was sitting in the overly large armchair. Harry and Ron sat on her right; Orange and Poodle on her left.

The professor started speaking as soon as everyone sat down. "I have decided to give you some review work today." She gestured towards the crystal ball in the middle of the table. "First, I will read look into the Orb and find out each of your futures. Then, in turn, you will each read the futures of everyone around you. I will begin with you," She said, turning to her immediate right, "Mr. Potter."

Harry wrinkled up his nose. Whenever his teacher 'saw' into his future, she always saw the worst omen of death imaginable, the Grim.

Professor Treelawns stared into the Orb for nearly twenty minutes. The girls stared intently at her, not daring to blink an eye, while the boys sat there trying to fall asleep. Suddenly she spoke. "My dear, I see," she gasped, for dramatic effect, "the grim." The girls gasped. The boys rolled their eyes. "But, wait! It-it doesn't have its head! It's apparently in pain. Its head is writhing on the ground, trying to come back to life! My dear…" She put on a sad face. She always loved predicting Harry's death, but this time she couldn't.

Harry was white with shock. Never, not even once, had Professor Treelawns predicted something _good_ for him. He was so much in shock that he jumped up and ran out of the classroom, never to be seen again. Three friends down…

~

Ron was very happy with himself. He had gotten rid of all of his friends in one day. Of course, Hermione didn't count. She was already out of his life. He grinned in front of the mirror. He had had to do some tough work to get the teachers to cooperate. First, he had had to promise to shampoo Snape's hair ten times a day, but he was able to weasel his way out of that._ "What a relief," _he thought. Professor Treelawns was another case. He had had to pay her fifty galleons to say that Harry was going to live a happy life.

"_Oh well, at least I still have my dignity,"_ he thought as he turned off the light and climbed into bed.

**A/N:** So, what did ya think? Ugh, I'm not too happy with the outcome, and it's not as hyperactive as I wanted it to be. Tell me if you think it should be more parody-ish. Also, since you've read this far, why not make lil me happy by taking twenty seconds of your time and reviewing? Even if you hated it, review, _please_! I don't care if you flame me. They just get me laughing. And I would like to thank all of you nice reviewers in advance, even if you do decide to flame. Um, yeah. That's all I think.


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